An open letter to Martha Stewart

Martha, ohhhh, Martha.  For weeks now I've been pouring over your Holiday Cookies magazine.  A beautiful issue, there's no doubt.  More than 100 recipes for the season, it's barely possible to narrow it down to a few to choose and bake. 

This issue has truly inspired me; you've pulled out all the stops.  I've already gone out and picked only the highest quality ingredients - even the unsalted butter - I promise, no cheating or substituting this time. I've spent nearly 40 dollars on ribbon, I've been narrowing my choices of cellophane bags and decorative tins, and I know that with enough shopping, I'll find all of the personal touches I need to wrap my baking.  Everything is going to be perfect this year. 

I get goosebumps just thinking of it.  I'm going to present each and every one of my loved ones with the most beautifully packaged delicious baked goods they've seen in their lives.  Me.  I'm going to do this.  This year.  This year, Martha, this year! And I owe it all to you.

Except.  Well, except the fact that your recipes are still impossible.  I honestly thought you'd changed.  In an attempt to reproduce your candy-stripe cookie sticks, I cut out the 3X6" cardboard stencil like the instructions call for and set myself to work.  I baked the cookies two at a time, just like you've asked.  

 
Baked two at a time, these cookies are impossible to pull off 

Two. At a time.  And then when they came out the oven slightly golden brown, I tried tried tried to roll them up as quickly to reproduce your work of art.  The best I got are burned fingers and broken rectangles with high arches.  Not what I was expecting.

So, Martha, I'm not sure exactly sure what else to say on the matter.  Really.  I'm really just not quite sure about this anymore.